Spring Fever!!

Evening everyone!

I can't speak for you, but I caught spring fever last week.  What does that mean?  Well for ME it means that I had a LOT of extra energy.  It happens every year.  The planet rejuvenates, the birds sing, and my ass is awake anywhere between 4 and 5:30 am.

And more often than not NOTHING gets me back to sleep.

I've come to expect this annual semi-hypomanic state (awful phrasing I know, but accurate for my symptoms) and learned to adjust accordingly.  Friends and family notice it, and I often enjoy it.  By 'it' I don't mean the hypo-mania* as much as the reawakening of the earth.  It's truly something I adore.  The sights and smells.  The grass renewing so I can enjoy walking barefoot on it.  The thunderstorms . . .

Spring is my time.  I enjoy fall as well, but spring wins hands-down.  It signals an end to the dearth of winter, and my SAD markedly improves.  The really challenging/frustrating thing is that I often can't get to sleep at night.  I'll be up since 5am, put in a long and busy day, often very physically active, and be lying there at midnight unable to sleep.  Why?  Well, it's very similar to when my Aunt Juba goes to Vegas.  She canNOT sleep there.  As she says: "They're having fun without me"

Yup.  The planet is getting happy, and I get happy with it.

Not sleeping can be anywhere from annoying and tiring, to exhausting and dangerous.  But as I said, I've learned to deal with it.  I often get a lot accomplished**.  For example, earlier last week I got a LOT of drafts either finished or started for YOU, dear readers.  Many of them are blasts from the past, but still relevant.

This past Friday and Saturday (March 16 & 17) is a very good example, in terms of rest and extra energy both.  I woke up at 4am.  I lay there unable to get back to sleep.  I listened to the birds, heard my one room mate get up at 5:30 and shower, and then his fiance at 6:30 and shower.  The water running must have helped me drift back down because I didn't hear them leave and lock up.  I rewoke at 7:45 cranky and tired.  I know I didn't get all the way down into REM from how my brain was functioning.  But I said fuck it and got up.

A girlfriend, Felicia, called me for our semi-regular morning chats.  We usually get one in on Thursday or Friday as she drives to work.  Thursdays I don't have to be anywhere until 1pm, and my Fridays are always in flux. So we usually get one visit in per week.  We had about an hour of talking, and then it was OFF to the races.

AAAAAAALLLLLLLL day I baked, and cleaned, and did laundry.  I found my bedroom floor.  Even disassembled and washed, then reassembled (the difficult part) all my dog's bedding.

Four o'clock rolled around and since I didn't want to stop without finishing all my tasks, I was running late.  My monthly, para-professional community event started at 7.  Doors open at 6 and I usually arrive before that to help set up.  But I didn't make it there until 6:45.  Thankfully my friends didn't mind.  I had a wonderful time, but I was exhausted.  Got home around midnight, and to sleep approximately 1:30 Saturday morning.  Well, I can't know that for sure, but that's the last time I remember seeing on the clock.  I slept poorly and had bad dreams as I had all week, only to be up again at 7:30 and out the door at 9:30.  This time attending a para-professional expo during the day and religious gathering in the evening.

I currently down own a car, so I rely on mass transit.  It could be better here, but I'm thankful to have what we do.  1-3 routes come within a mile of my house depending on the day/time.  I can typically get everywhere I need to be within 90 minutes, and I've learned to use that as my mental down time.  Or chat time with friends via text.  I can't read/study on the bus; I get nauseous and a horrible headache.  Saturday morning/afternoon taking the bus to and from my destination only would have saved me 5 minutes  Since I walk quickly I opted to walk.  Then I wouldn't have to deal with timing my departure to coincide with schedules.  It was just under 2 miles and a beautiful day (though I did get soaked on the way home).  I was DRAGGING by the time I left at 2pm, having been on my feet consistently since 9:30.

My friend Bobby (married to Felicia) was there Saturday and had also attended the event Friday night.  When I got home (and texted him to let him know I was safe) he expressed concern about me going to my religious gathering.  Especially given it meant yet another long commute.   Especially since I only had 90 minutes of down time before leaving again.  Plus, said down time had to include a playing with J and getting ready.  I took his point; it was valid and he was worried about me.  But there are only 8 sabbats/year and I knew that if I didn't go I'd regret it.  I needed the worship, community and fun.  I needed the emotional and spiritual energy tune-up.

And besides, I assured him, I'd already arranged for a ride home.

Saturday formally ended when I got home at 11:30 pm and collapsed into bed.  Thankfully I finally slept well and was able to sleep until I woke naturally.  But my MIND wasn't tired.  Granted I was dragging mentally Friday night, and late Saturday night, but I was still lucid.  Sunday my legs were really aching.  Annoying but a good sign.  It means my body is adjusting, and the mania*** was starting to wane.

Today is Wednesday and so far it has been a hectic week.  I am sleeping better, and my rest has greatly improved.  Monday night I slept SO hard/deeply, that I stumbled around the first several minutes when I got up Tuesday morning.  If you read my Tuesday post, you know I had a rough evening (on Monday).  All part of the process/disease.  The intense crying Monday night probably helped tire me out so that I slept better.  I had two 'mountaintop experiences', as my father would say, over the weekend.  Using a LOT of mental and physical energy.  Hypomania was DEFINITELY involved.  That takes a toll on body and spirit.  So part of Monday night was the pendulum swinging back.  But I'm still here, still keepin' on.  As far as I'm concerned, other options aren't relevant.

And today I learned that as of midterm I have straight A's.  WOOT!  Time for the Snoopy dance!




*Mania, in it's varying levels of intensity, often feels GOOD.  It's one reason why people with mental illness don't take their meds.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sensation and effects on occasion.  But once the pendulum starts one way, it CAN get out of control, and very quickly, for anyone.


**another component of mania that is often enjoyed-- the productivity.  Although, it's not always GOOD work, and things started during these phases often go unfinished for many people.


***it's very important as one starts down the recovery road to know how your body responds and your thoughts change.  self-awareness keeps you safe and healthy.

and a final note on mania-- mania has varying degrees of intensity and severity.  While most commonly thought of in people with severe bipolar disorder (formally manic-depression), it is found in people with other psychiatric challenges.  Many people without bi-polar disorder may have episodes of mania, even those NOT on the mood disorder spectrum.

I'd like to buy an "O" please

I miss sex.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I miss the intimacy of sex.  Talking in the dark while cuddling.  Long, sensual make-out sessions.  The connection you have with a lover.

And right now I'm so busy, that I'm lucky to have a passing flirtation in the halls with friends at work or school.

Intercourse isn't really the issue, though.  Sexual gratification IS.  There was a time when I could get myself off when I needed to, or even when I didn't need to.  Ah, they halcyon days of youth when calendars was open and we didn't have to pencil in masturbation as a priority.  Anyone over 30 remember those days?  I'm not sure I do any more.

For several years now, unfortunately, orgasm hasn't come easily.  Or often.  The reasons are many, but I'll break it down for you as best I'm able.

For many people with MI, the disease hinders our sexuality.  Part of this can be symptoms of the disease itself.  Sadness, low energy, trouble sleeping, loneliness, the tendency to isolate--these things make sex a low priority for me.  Irritability, anxiety, and an inability to sit still can make it unpleasant for friends to be around me.  There's a double edge to the symptoms sword when pursuing intimacy.  I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder [SAD], so winter months can be more difficult from intensified symptoms. 

I have the above symptoms challenges on the "emotional" plane.  I say emotional because most of what I listed directly concerns my psyche, even though MI is by definition biochemical.  It's hard to feel sexy, or interested in sex, when I'm forcing myself through the day/week/month.  That reality is hardly unique to people with MI.  The stresses of life intrude.  We all know this.  So take the worries of modern living and add to that the symptoms of mental illness.  The blah of apathy, the fatigue of continual effort, and the sting of low self-esteem.  "No one else sees me as attractive, so why should I?"  It circles back nastily.

Many medications inhibit our hormones, libidos, and responses.  I wasn't being redundant there, rather hair-splittingly specific.  Each is different.  This is the bigger challenge for me on the "physical" plane.  I take two medications that impact my libido and my sexual responsiveness.  Many people on the mood disorder spectrum--as I am--need more than one drug from time to time regardless if they suffer from ongoing "mild" depression or severe bi-polar disorder.  I can be in a nice, sensual mood.  That mellow, relaxed, lustful feeling that presents many options for fun.  I can accentuate that mood with a dirty book or an erotic movie.  I can do everything I know that I enjoy to get down with my bad self . . .

and nothing happens.

Mild to moderate arousal, no chance of climax.  Highly annoying.  Sometimes you can keep at it until you get there.  But eventually the mental/emotional frustration causes me to give up.  When you go at it for a good HOUR without success, it's not a case of giving up without sufficient effort.  Yes, masturbating without orgasm can still be incredibly satisfying.  Sure, self-touch can be enjoyable in and of itself.  I enjoy a lot of sensuality aside from masturbation some days.  It's what I have come to focus on since orgasm has become SO irritatingly elusive.

I want a damn orgasm!  It doesn't have to leave me panting with my toes curled.  Just GETTING there would be nice!

Recently I've been talking a lot with a new friend, Felicia.  She's an incredible woman and we're becoming very close, very quickly.  She's also one of those very blessed woman, possessing a husband who's an incredible lover.  He feels that he hasn't done his job properly if he hasn't given her several screaming orgasms before he allows himself one.

So apparently, ladies, they aren't a myth existing only in romance novels.  ;)

They have an incredible sex life, and manage to keep it decently active despite being working parents with two young children.  I envy her that, and she knows it.  I'm living vicariously through her a lot right now.  She doesn't mind in the least, and gets a kick out of it.  We've discussed my sex life, and lack-thereof, quite a bit.  Trying to be helpful she'll give me suggestions like internet porn or new sex toys.  I'll explain how certain things don't do it for me, or work for me.  Bless her.  She really wants sexually fulfilment to be a regular part of my life.  She wants that for me.  I AM open to suggestions, so I believe she has started a mission to help me have bigger, better orgasms.

As I said, I'd just like to have ONE.

The other night she finally began to understand how much more it's linked to medication and illness than opportunity.  Her response: "Oh honey, you poor baby!  How do you stand it???"

I just do.

Feeling aroused is challenging.  Being AWARE that I'm aroused sometimes doesn't happen; the disconnect is that great.  I'll go to the bathroom and realize I'm moderately wet, my body preparing itself for something that might theoretically occur.

I take two medications.  I've been on this particular combination for about 6 years, and it's worked very well for me.  I truly made strides forward in recovery once the cocktail balanced my neurotransmitters [NTs] enough for me to cope beyond activities of daily living.  So while there may be a better combination out there for me, the thought of changing them makes me nervous.  I LIKE having a life again.  I went too many years without.

So how do I stand it?  I just do.  It's a price I pay for stability.  For health.  For having a life beyond sleep and television.  But it doesn't stop me from wanting more, wishing for something better.

I'd like to buy an "O" please, Alex.