small steps, HUGE victories

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my midterm grades the other week were straight As ---- 4.0

HOT DAMN AND HALLELUJAH

For some people that is a huge accomplishment, and it is for me as well.  It wasn't always so.

What do I mean?

When I as in high school, straight As were a given.  I was in all honor's classes, among the cream of the crop in my class.  When I graduated I was something like 42 in a class of 228?  Many of my fellow students were surprised that my class rank wasn't higher.  Provided my grades satisfied me and I could get into the school I wanted, I wasn't overly concerned with my class rank.  And by the time my senior year rolled around, I wasn't overly interested in busting my hump for a higher ranking.

I was one of those students everyone just KNEW was going to go far.  I left for college full of life, promise, and hubris.  My first semester proved far more challenging emotionally than I'd ever thought possible.  Quite a few challenges and several traumas undermined my foundation.  That first semester is the LAST TIME I pulled a 4.0

By spring semester I was struggling, and had to withdraw from classes mid semester.  The subsequent years had many ups and downs.  Sometimes I got through the term, sometimes I didn't.  I left school mid-semester more than once to regroup.  I regularly pulled an A with multiple Bs and Cs.  Jugging it all was just too difficult for me emotionally.  Especially when coping with the roller coaster of my illness; many incompletes devolved into Fs.  I eventually withdrew fully from college in June of 2003.

When I started back to college last fall it was rough.  VERY overwhelming at times.  I was exhausted and ended back in therapy to help me cope.  I had a solid B average come December which pleased me.  I knew very well that it would take me awhile to get my bearings.  This semester I set myself the goal of getting straight As.

And so far, I've DONE IT!!!!  So I'm doing my happy dance, and enjoying the feeling.  Never in my wildest dreams at 18 would I have thought this would be such a huge accomplishment for me.  But it is.  It took me many many years to be ready to return to school.  Longer still to be able.  And thanks to meds, support, and a tremendous amount of effort on my part, I'm close to meeting that goal.

Many many MANY small steps, but a huge payout.  So I'm telling myself, this is a victory.  Don't take it for granted.  DON'T diminish this.  Who you are and who you were are very different.  That girl never had half my strength or wisdom.  She skated on her natural talents and other factor, I don't.

I have EARNED this.  And I deserve to feel good about it.

Still Alive

The 2011-2012 school year finds me back in academia as a student for the first time since 2003.  Among all the things currently on my plate, I find this one particularly enjoyable.  My M/W morning teacher starts each class asking us how we are.

My response last Wednesday: "I'm still alive".

Understanding lit my instructor's face.  She had faxes from my physicians and knows from last fall that for me to actually take time AWAY from school I have to be feeling very rough.  I'm stubborn, the scion of strong, Nordic-Lutheran women.  Generations worth.  Heads down we sally forth, undeterred by the adversity.

Mental illness goes in cycles, good and bad patches.  I'm currently clawing myself out of a particularly bad patch.  A worse one than I've had in some time; it's been equally scary and sobering.  After close to three weeks of riding out the pendulum, I seem to have regained my sea legs.  I took several days off from classes, and haven't put in any work for my online employer in almost two weeks.  Last Wednesday was my first day back to class, and by the time I got home I was EXHAUSTED.  No class for Presidents' Day, so I've one more day of quiet.

This week will be the real test.  I'm still playing catch-up, but I have friends who miss me when I'm not at school.  That thought buoys me as I squash the fatigue and trepidation I feel at returning to my activities near-full tilt this week.  Rest is one thing, hiding another.  I know from past seasons that the longer I stay away, the harder it will be to return.

So I will take it slow, lean on friends, and take it slow.  Did I say that twice?  Yes, I did.  I meant to.  I'll rely upon certain trusted councillors to help me with accountability until I'm able to fully take that mantle upon myself again.

Breathe, center, ground.  Rinse, repeat.  All the while giving thanks for those who love me, and for the miracles of modern medicine.