Recovery is a PROCESS. There are many ups and downs. 8 out of 10 days the issues discussed below don't phase me. I'm healthy and very content with where my life currently is, and where it's going. Many attitudes, fears, and wishes are touched upon. Seemingly at random in some sections. I'm posting this today to show people that they aren't alone in thinking this way. That things can/do get better. I'm posting it today to use as a springboard for further blogs. I'm sure I can get 10 more out of this alone if I wish. ;)
My texts are in underlined, plain font, Felicia's are in italics. And yes, at one point she did just 'listen' while I got it out of my system. For those of you who don't remember, Bobby & Felicia are married. The three of us were becoming good friends, individually and collectively. At this point I am closer to Bobby. Felicia is ridiculously busy. Full time mom, wife, career, etc. I also seem to have stepped in it badly this summer. Hopefully time will ease that.
Each helped me with the challenges of January-May.
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I haven't looked that nice in a foto in longer than I can remember. I'm so utterly thrilled
Really?
Really. It's one of the nicest things a near stranger has done for me in a very very long time. I can tell how he edited it to make me more attractive. I'm even crying over it.
How
would he have edited it and why? That's not a (name deleted)
thing to do
He
cropped it so my arm didn't look as fat. See how there's more
space to Bobby's left? He also diminished my dark eye circles
You
can't believe he centered it and you're just that pretty?
nope. sure
can't
because?
Men don't marry
women like me, Felicia. I've know that for along time.
Men like Bobby are rare, and they're all taken. I'm too
outspoken, smart and eccentric. I have family issues/baggage
that will always be my responsibility. I have a disease that
could again fuck up my life and ruin those of people I love.
It's happened before. There is a very good chance that I can't
have healthy children. And I'm fat. It's just not in the
cards for me. It's too much. No sane, healthy person
would want to take that on. And I understand. Can't blame
him for protecting himself.
You just
described me. Except for having the disease . . .
I'm just surrounded by it.
The problem
with being so utterly confident and competent in so many areas, is
that people don't ask if you need help. They know you can do
it. Or they ask, "do you need help" not "do you
WANT help" It sucks, but it's life.
If you think
that way, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It you're opened
minded and 'whatever happens, happens' , you may be surprised where
life leads you.
I try.
it's double edged. Some days I have a great deal of hope.
other days not. It fluctuates. When I'm feeling bad, then
the depression comes. You and Bobby give me hope.
Sometimes I'll look at you two and want the same thing for myself so
badly IT HURTS.
You two find my
heart/mind attractive. which is what I've always wanted.
I've never wanted to be a sex object, and hate women who use their
appeal to get what they want all the time. I'm not pretty, I
never will be. I clean up well, but it's not the same.
I want to be
someone's one and only and I probably never will. I became and
adult at age 8. Josh always came first, and the tragic reality
is that I have to be in crisis to get that central regard
You need self
esteem.
I knew by high
school that I wasn't what men wanted. certainly not
physically. The other realizations came later. so I
learned to focus more on personality--which I already had been
doing. It's just not enough sometimes. I'm female enough
and shallow enough to want to be pretty, too.
People who have
it don't talk like you do-- I'm fat, not pretty, and nobody wants me
I have PLENTY
of self-esteem sans this one area of my life. the disease makes
it worse, esp when cycling. That's not a cop out.
Self-esteem struggles are a HUGE part of MI. ANY MI. It's
something we have to work on daily. Events of the last two
months are forcing me to re-evaluate. it's hard and scary. TALL
vertical learning curve. I'll get there. Sometimes
'accepting' certain unpleasant 'truths' about your life is less
painful. it keeps you from wanting.
AND, you found
Bobby young. My time is running out for children, whom I want
desperately. But I know better than to be a single mother.
Then there's the factor of meds during pregnancy. To risk her
health or mine. Which is more important in utero-- a stable
mother or a drug free child? what is she inherits? and
what right do --I-- have to knowingly bring a child into this world
who may have to grow old quickly dealing with a sick mother?
That is NOT a
pity party. It's well thought out practicality, and the truth
hurts. terribly.
I had just
become comfortable in my body and was awakening sexually in early
college. then I got sick. it all went away and
I haven't been able to reclaim it. parts of it are
different, more mature, better. but it will take a lot of time
support and an INCREDIBLE amount of love to heal.
NOW do you see
why I wared you both away? part of me is a mess. I
can/do wear people out. and hurt them
unintentionally. I'm coming to care a lot about both of
you. I don't want that for you. for anyone!
Don't get me
wrong. a few men have treated me very well in their own ways. But
when (name deleted) is kind and tender with me, it undoes me. I've
never had that, ever. It makes me want. Yearn.
True intimacy has been SO rate. I will cherish every moment with him,
regardless of whether or not there are any more.
Pagan Princess
= utter mess. I will be sad if you two walk
away. Incredibly so. But I will understand.
I want what is best for both of you and the kids. But I'm
rambling and repeating. Probably depressing the fuck out
of you. It's late. I'll let you get to bed.
rambling is
allowed ;) it's a lot and it's late and we'll have to
discuss it all over dinner some time ;)
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End of transcript. Now you see where I was that night. Always interesting to visit things after the fact. The stage is set. More to follow at a later date.
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