Yesterday started out as a very good day. I made it to school ad got to enjoy lovely weather. Saw all my friends whom I'd missed over spring break. My one teacher was absent due to illness, so we had a substitute. We did some very specific, interesting review that was helpful to me. Lots of little, bitty differences that can be confusing. The substitute-- my Monday afternoon teacher-- asked if we wanted to wait until our regular instructor returns and we all said yes. It's a receptive ASL [American Sign Language] exam, and we are accustomed to how our regular gal signs.
Had a nice lunch break, and headed to afternoon class. Did some VERY helpful, nitty gritty work on numbers and money. Then had 2 quizzes. Neither was particularly painful. Always nice. THEN I got my midterm exams and all my quizzes back. I'm sitting at a 92% in that class. And it's my MOST difficult class. I was thrilled!!
Home to change and pick up J, then to a friend's house for dinner, visit and massage. Boy did I need the massage! But, with it came some energy healing and releasing of things below the surface. Got home around 9:30 and when I logged in to FB, I saw something very nice that set me off. No rhyme or reason for it, I just saw something that touched me deeply. What you may ask? An acquaintance of mine took a photo of Bobby (Felicia's husband) and me at the Saturday professional networking gig I attended. It turned out REALLY well. I haven't looked so nice in a long time.
I cried and cried and cried and cried. For a good hour while I was texting with Felicia. She mostly just 'listened', and commented that I need to get some self-esteem. I told her that I have EXCELLENT self-esteem. Barring this one area of my life-- men, love, and relationships. With some body image thrown in.
Sound like a lot? It's not, really. Love and relationships is a far larger area than men and dating. It's all one umbrella issue; intricately linked. **
MI robs people of many things. Their hopes and dreams, self-esteem, often their body image, sometimes friends and family. There is a fear of relapse. Clawing your way back from that pain and low self-regard takes a long time. It often requires weekly, if not daily, effort. It means paying attention your thoughts, behaviours, and word choices.
I know I'm smart, talented, educated, and an excellent friend. I'm fun to be around. I'm a gifted healer and public speaker. I take good care of people I care about. I use the varying love languages to show my appreciation for those who mean a lot to me. I'm polite and kind to strangers-- asking if they need assistance, opening doors, making general conversation. I always remember the assistants and custodians at school, taking time to learn their names and making sure they get a little thing of appreciation over the holidays since they're so often forgotten.
In short, I'm a DAMN fine individual. I have people who really love me. But sometimes in my heart, it's not enough. I'm able to like and respect myself, but not love myself.
Yesterday, as things released, a lot of deep seated grief and fear came to the fore. Often I ignore it, or bury it. More and more often recently I take it out and examine it. True, deep healing takes time. I tell myself that what I'm thinking is bullshit and MEAN it. But it's still there. Last night it hurt. A LOT. But I know it will be better in the long run.
I went to bed with my eyes swollen, and they look horribly puffy today. If friends ask I'll blame it on allergies, easy excuse for springtime. And one benefit of crying forever is that your sinuses drain. ;) I slept HARD and deep. Woke up at 3am to use the restroom, and I literally stumbled to and from the bathroom I was in such a deep sleep. Took a LOT to drag myself out of bed today but I managed it.
So off to school. Another day. Beautiful weather predicted, and I'm sure to get a few needed hugs. Keeping on. It's what I do. Often times it sucks and can be REALLY hard. But it's how to stay in recovery. I fought WAY too long and hard to get here; I'm NOT giving it up. Will keep you posted!
**I will post the text conversation later so that you may see what I mean, dear readers. For those of you without MI, I think you'll find it enlightening. It will also create an excellent springboard for conversation, and set the stage for future posts.
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