I'd like to buy an "O" please

I miss sex.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I miss the intimacy of sex.  Talking in the dark while cuddling.  Long, sensual make-out sessions.  The connection you have with a lover.

And right now I'm so busy, that I'm lucky to have a passing flirtation in the halls with friends at work or school.

Intercourse isn't really the issue, though.  Sexual gratification IS.  There was a time when I could get myself off when I needed to, or even when I didn't need to.  Ah, they halcyon days of youth when calendars was open and we didn't have to pencil in masturbation as a priority.  Anyone over 30 remember those days?  I'm not sure I do any more.

For several years now, unfortunately, orgasm hasn't come easily.  Or often.  The reasons are many, but I'll break it down for you as best I'm able.

For many people with MI, the disease hinders our sexuality.  Part of this can be symptoms of the disease itself.  Sadness, low energy, trouble sleeping, loneliness, the tendency to isolate--these things make sex a low priority for me.  Irritability, anxiety, and an inability to sit still can make it unpleasant for friends to be around me.  There's a double edge to the symptoms sword when pursuing intimacy.  I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder [SAD], so winter months can be more difficult from intensified symptoms. 

I have the above symptoms challenges on the "emotional" plane.  I say emotional because most of what I listed directly concerns my psyche, even though MI is by definition biochemical.  It's hard to feel sexy, or interested in sex, when I'm forcing myself through the day/week/month.  That reality is hardly unique to people with MI.  The stresses of life intrude.  We all know this.  So take the worries of modern living and add to that the symptoms of mental illness.  The blah of apathy, the fatigue of continual effort, and the sting of low self-esteem.  "No one else sees me as attractive, so why should I?"  It circles back nastily.

Many medications inhibit our hormones, libidos, and responses.  I wasn't being redundant there, rather hair-splittingly specific.  Each is different.  This is the bigger challenge for me on the "physical" plane.  I take two medications that impact my libido and my sexual responsiveness.  Many people on the mood disorder spectrum--as I am--need more than one drug from time to time regardless if they suffer from ongoing "mild" depression or severe bi-polar disorder.  I can be in a nice, sensual mood.  That mellow, relaxed, lustful feeling that presents many options for fun.  I can accentuate that mood with a dirty book or an erotic movie.  I can do everything I know that I enjoy to get down with my bad self . . .

and nothing happens.

Mild to moderate arousal, no chance of climax.  Highly annoying.  Sometimes you can keep at it until you get there.  But eventually the mental/emotional frustration causes me to give up.  When you go at it for a good HOUR without success, it's not a case of giving up without sufficient effort.  Yes, masturbating without orgasm can still be incredibly satisfying.  Sure, self-touch can be enjoyable in and of itself.  I enjoy a lot of sensuality aside from masturbation some days.  It's what I have come to focus on since orgasm has become SO irritatingly elusive.

I want a damn orgasm!  It doesn't have to leave me panting with my toes curled.  Just GETTING there would be nice!

Recently I've been talking a lot with a new friend, Felicia.  She's an incredible woman and we're becoming very close, very quickly.  She's also one of those very blessed woman, possessing a husband who's an incredible lover.  He feels that he hasn't done his job properly if he hasn't given her several screaming orgasms before he allows himself one.

So apparently, ladies, they aren't a myth existing only in romance novels.  ;)

They have an incredible sex life, and manage to keep it decently active despite being working parents with two young children.  I envy her that, and she knows it.  I'm living vicariously through her a lot right now.  She doesn't mind in the least, and gets a kick out of it.  We've discussed my sex life, and lack-thereof, quite a bit.  Trying to be helpful she'll give me suggestions like internet porn or new sex toys.  I'll explain how certain things don't do it for me, or work for me.  Bless her.  She really wants sexually fulfilment to be a regular part of my life.  She wants that for me.  I AM open to suggestions, so I believe she has started a mission to help me have bigger, better orgasms.

As I said, I'd just like to have ONE.

The other night she finally began to understand how much more it's linked to medication and illness than opportunity.  Her response: "Oh honey, you poor baby!  How do you stand it???"

I just do.

Feeling aroused is challenging.  Being AWARE that I'm aroused sometimes doesn't happen; the disconnect is that great.  I'll go to the bathroom and realize I'm moderately wet, my body preparing itself for something that might theoretically occur.

I take two medications.  I've been on this particular combination for about 6 years, and it's worked very well for me.  I truly made strides forward in recovery once the cocktail balanced my neurotransmitters [NTs] enough for me to cope beyond activities of daily living.  So while there may be a better combination out there for me, the thought of changing them makes me nervous.  I LIKE having a life again.  I went too many years without.

So how do I stand it?  I just do.  It's a price I pay for stability.  For health.  For having a life beyond sleep and television.  But it doesn't stop me from wanting more, wishing for something better.

I'd like to buy an "O" please, Alex.