Shut up, Yoda

I'm assuming that title commanded the notice many, and the vilification of many more.  The first result was my intention; the second collateral damage.  The first reaction is not, however, the only reason I chose it.

Most Westerners are familiar with the now iconic lines of Yoda, the ancient Jedi Master.  His precepts lie entrenched within modern culture, etched on the hearts of several generations.  Quite probably the best known quote from all of Star Wars, "Do or do not, there is no try," was spoken by Yoda.  This axiom has spread far and wide to the benefit of many.

But with all due respect, your Honor, shut up. 

Let me explain:

I recognize that from a linguistic, even logical standpoint, 'merely' trying presupposes failure.  It may indicate a lack of effort on some level, or in the case of young Luke a lack of faith.  I understand that, hell I even AGREE to an extent.  My undergrad background is in rhetorical studies.  Language is very important, and reveals much about how we think and feel.

But some days, "trying" is all I have in me.  And these last two weeks, I have been "trying" very, very hard.

Mental illness is a soul-sucking, self-esteem crippling, mentally exhausting, physically draining classification of diseases.  Anyone who says otherwise is woefully ignorant.  The amount of energy it takes to get out of bed, wash, and dress is often more than many patients can handle at one point or another.  Leaving the house?  Forget it!

The standard definition of try is to attempt, or to make an effort.  Synonyms include: endeavour, strive, and undertake.  Synonyms with a slightly different meaning include struggle and trial.  Have you ever struggled through a bad case of the flu?  Have you ever felt that being sick is a trial, or trying?  Now take into consideration ANY long-term, chronic health condition. 

How's that light bulb coming?

During periods of decline there have been weeks, even months, when getting myself out of bed and STAYING out of bed took more effort that I ever would have imagined possible.  I couldn't always remember to brush my teeth, or even if I HAD brushed my teeth I was so heavily medicated.  I'd check the bristles on my toothbrush to see if they were damp.  Sometimes multiple times per day.  I might find the strength to shower, but not wash my hair.  Then could I find any clean clothes . . . . 

                
                "Now I'm hungry.  Legitimately hungry, but I'm SO TIRED.  Putting       
                together a meal is just too much work.  But at least I'm up, and
                dressed, and semi-clean.  That's progress."

And it was.  It was more than progress, it was a VICTORY.  On that day, in that time, I accomplished something that hadn't happened easily for some time.  Something that possibly hadn't happened the previous day.  I struggled and I strove, and that on day I succeeded.

Don't discount how much effort goes into the little things most of us take for granted.  And DON'T belittle it.  The strength required was so intense that those very acts wiped out all the energy I'd have for the next few hours. 

Choose whatever philosophical thought train you wish, I GET that the word try is one of the worst the English language has to offer.  The connotations ascribed over the years have created self-fulfilling prophesies, facilitated insincerity, and sustained justifications.  It is more than a word, more than a rhetorical construct.  The ambiguity of try is quite possibly one of the most nuanced and complex within psycho-social-linguistic pedagogy.  "Don't try, DO IT!" is something we tell ourselves, our peers, and our children.  Our intent is at worst compliance, at best motivation.  Occasionally the intended message of encouragement is received as criticism. 

I have come to regard these words with weary, apathetic resignation.  The message delivered is almost always communicated with loving intent if not delivery.  More often than not, emotional defensive mechanisms kick in.  I LONG to say- "I am doing the best I can right now fuck-you very much.  You try to cope with my daily life.  You try to strive, survive, succeed, SURPASS!  Don't judge me and I won't judge you."

But I don't.  I hold my tongue, sometimes biting until it bleeds.  So I shall strive that I may survive.  There will be days I succeed and months I surpass.  

For tonight I shall give myself permission to relax.  Postponing certain activities won't yield insurmountable consequences.  Temporary suspension may do more harm than good long-term.  I recognize the possibility but in truth I don't know.  I DO know that pushing myself too hard right now may set me back a bit, and I prefer to continue on an upward trend.  So tonight, I choose sloth.

And tomorrow, I'll try to do better.