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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Hey, CRABFACE!!!! :D

Happy Birthday to my brother, Josh.  Love of my life, other than my J-girl.  Today he is 31 years old.

Much like his siblings, he was a trouble maker from the get-go.  Two weeks late, my mother had a horrible labor.  After many hours, the OB/GYN told my mother that he thought they should perform a C-section.  The family story states that my mother SAT up in the stirrups, grabbed him BY the tie, and said "DO IT!".

Josh was over 11 1/2 pounds, and his head was so big that he never would have make it through the birth canal.  100 years ago mother and baby would have perished.  Tomorrow is our father's birthday, so a healthy Josh and safe Mama were Papa's early presents!

So why am I telling you about Josh?  Well other than the fact that he is my younger brother whom I love dearly, his existence has greatly shaped mine.  When Josh was about 18 months old, he stopped talking.  We had no idea why.  I don't have many memories of that time, but I know that deafness was considered a possibility.

By the time I was in grade school we knew something was seriously wrong, but we didn't know WHAT.  Josh was enrolled in special classrooms.  He wasn't very communicative and obviously learning delayed.  By the time I hit third grade, Josh was attending a special school in the next town.

One day, spring semester of 3rd grade, I came home from school to find my mother had taken to her bed.  She was crying silently, and didn't respond to any of my queries.  My father needed to go to the bank and suggested I go with him.  I was all for that!  Going through the drive through was always a treat, the tellers gave us suckers!  AND I got to sit in the front seat.

Anyone else remember those days?  ;)

While we were in the drive through waiting for the teller to process our transaction, my father told me very gently and seriously that today Josh's teachers had told him and Mama that Josh would never be normal like me.  Papa said that he would never learn to read like me, or ever drive a car.  This may be the first time my father ever really spoke to me like an adult.

I was too young to truly understand, but I knew it was bad.  VERY bad.  My mother had taken to her bed.  My strong, capable mother who somehow handled everything through sheer force of will was crying at 3:00 in the afternoon, inconsolable!!!  So I began to cry.  In that moment I felt the loss, the grief of who my brother could have been and suddenly would never be.

Sometime over the next few months I made a decision.  I would be the child my parents never had to worry about.  I would be everything Josh could never be and more.  I would accomplish things for both of us.  He was already special, and I was already acting more a third parent than an older sister.  But now, he needed me like he hadn't before.  And my parents needed me.  Their burden had just multiplied.

And so, I took that heavy and unreasonable burden upon myself.

Years later we got a confirmed diagnosis of moderate autism and mild to moderate mental retardation.  We all did the best we could by him, and obviously mistakes were made.  I suspect I will return more than once to the topic of Josh, and how that he shaped my family and my childhood.  My reactions to him, my family life, and the decision I made all those years ago continues to impact my choices and actions today.  It influences how I approach my recovery.  How I interact with my parents.  And how I still try to protect them from worrying about me, especially my mother.  How I hide things about my disease and how I'm coping in an effort to uphold the promise I made to myself.

A promise which, tragically, may have caused more harm than good.

Today Josh has a job and lives independently in a group home.  He was even voted employee of the month in October 2008.  Once a month he comes to "10-20" to spend the weekend with my parents and go to church.*  Once every three weeks Papa picks him up from work to get a haircut and a meal with the folks before returning him to the CILA [Controlled Independent Living Arrangement].  He is healthy, and as happy as we know how to help him be.  Should my parents or I precede him in death, he is well-settled into his new life.  We've done the best we can, and I'm thankful to say that I know he will be just fine.

So happy birthday, Josh!  Crab-face, potato-lace!!!!

oh-- and the title for today's blog?  family joke.  ;)




*our parents house is no longer referred to as 'home' as far as Josh is concerned.  He is an adult now and the CILA is his home.  He goes to visit "10-20", his childhood address.

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