The Pond is Still

Today's post comes from a journal entry I originally wrote back in late May/early June of 2005.  J had been with me for about 9 months, and I had returned to work full time in late March.  It was a big adjustment, and very tiring.  I was working in a call center with all the fun that entails.  ;)  The company was very good to us, and gave me all the help and reasonable accommodations that I could have wished.

I had been having a few bad weeks, not sleeping well at ALL.  It was starting to impact my work and creating social problems for me at the office.

The only blessing I can see to being so heavily drugged, is that I slept straight through the night for the first time in over a month.   Don't particularly care for the zonked out, OD feeling I'm experiencing.  I'm overly calm and quiet on the phone, not myself at all.   I understanding how Shawn used to complain about being over-medicated when we were kids, feeling trapped inside your head yet outside your body.

I couldn't move quickly it I wanted to.  I just need to trust that the doc knows what he's doing with these significant med increases.  He even added a strong neural depressant--which I think is the main reason for this continual stupor. Maybe in a few days my system will adjust.  God I HOPE so!  I feel like an exhausted shell of myself.   Unable to even hold my head up and stare down the jerks who rudely spoke to and stared at me yesterday.  I don't even have pride to fall back on in this state.

I lay down for 10 minutes, the last few of my lunch break, and ended up sleeping for over 45!  My supervisor is going to kill me.  Especially after the lecture I got just last week on schedule adherence.

Phillip's been taking J out to the bathroom as I sit here like worthless bump on a chair.  Out of sorts--as Phillip puts it--doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.   It feels as though it takes eons for a single coherent thought to bubble up from the depths of my mind.

The pond is still, unnaturally so,
so that any breeze ruffling through the surrounding trees doesn't disturb the water.

The night is dark, no moon
                                              or stars,
and yet there is a faint light to see by.
No animals--

nothing stirs.


Just my barren, darkened mind
                                                         trying
to product thoughts,
wasting for lack of light.


Longing for sleep, yet
                                           fearing what comes
with true consciousness,
the realizations of pain caused.


Blissfully, another pill sinks beneath the surface of the pond.
For here pain is
                              dulled
                                                 and guilt
cannot intrude.