small steps, HUGE victories

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my midterm grades the other week were straight As ---- 4.0

HOT DAMN AND HALLELUJAH

For some people that is a huge accomplishment, and it is for me as well.  It wasn't always so.

What do I mean?

When I as in high school, straight As were a given.  I was in all honor's classes, among the cream of the crop in my class.  When I graduated I was something like 42 in a class of 228?  Many of my fellow students were surprised that my class rank wasn't higher.  Provided my grades satisfied me and I could get into the school I wanted, I wasn't overly concerned with my class rank.  And by the time my senior year rolled around, I wasn't overly interested in busting my hump for a higher ranking.

I was one of those students everyone just KNEW was going to go far.  I left for college full of life, promise, and hubris.  My first semester proved far more challenging emotionally than I'd ever thought possible.  Quite a few challenges and several traumas undermined my foundation.  That first semester is the LAST TIME I pulled a 4.0

By spring semester I was struggling, and had to withdraw from classes mid semester.  The subsequent years had many ups and downs.  Sometimes I got through the term, sometimes I didn't.  I left school mid-semester more than once to regroup.  I regularly pulled an A with multiple Bs and Cs.  Jugging it all was just too difficult for me emotionally.  Especially when coping with the roller coaster of my illness; many incompletes devolved into Fs.  I eventually withdrew fully from college in June of 2003.

When I started back to college last fall it was rough.  VERY overwhelming at times.  I was exhausted and ended back in therapy to help me cope.  I had a solid B average come December which pleased me.  I knew very well that it would take me awhile to get my bearings.  This semester I set myself the goal of getting straight As.

And so far, I've DONE IT!!!!  So I'm doing my happy dance, and enjoying the feeling.  Never in my wildest dreams at 18 would I have thought this would be such a huge accomplishment for me.  But it is.  It took me many many years to be ready to return to school.  Longer still to be able.  And thanks to meds, support, and a tremendous amount of effort on my part, I'm close to meeting that goal.

Many many MANY small steps, but a huge payout.  So I'm telling myself, this is a victory.  Don't take it for granted.  DON'T diminish this.  Who you are and who you were are very different.  That girl never had half my strength or wisdom.  She skated on her natural talents and other factor, I don't.

I have EARNED this.  And I deserve to feel good about it.